Let's start this story from when you were born.
As humans, we are one of the very few species who are completely dependent on our caretakers.
This means that we will only be able to survive if someone love us.
Imagine someone you love very much. You would do anything for that person. In most cases, when we are babies, this is the role of our mother.
This means that we are totally dependent on her and we will ONLY be able to survive if she loves us, take care of us. Otherwise, we cannot survive alone.
And what has shame to do it all that?
Shame arises from our universal need to be LOVED, to BELONG.
Shame is the belief that there is something wrong with us, that we are unlovable.
Shame is a powerful emotion that can cause emotional distress, impaired empathy and social isolation.
Since we are children, we trade our authenticity for LOVE (from others) and BELONGING.
And where does that come from?
When we used to live in caves, we wouldn't be able to survive by ourselves, we needed to be in groups.
So, evolutionary wise, our brain is still wired for survival, which is tightly linked to be loved and accepted by a group.
The interesting question now is: how do we get out of this loop and live authentically?
Research shows that the answer lies in SELF-COMPASSION.
When you first admit to yourself that your behavior truly lies in your desire to be loved and you start to open yourself up to this experience, shame looses its power.
We were all born with this desire for love, and according to Christopher Germer, PhD, researcher on shame, when we admit this INNOCENT need we had when babies which is still present in adult life, we can reclaim our authenticity.
So in order to heal shame, we need to be able to access this vulnerability.
Want to deepen your knowledge on shame?
Watch this amazing video from Christopher Germer, PhD and Harvard Professor.